Tag Archives: food issues

Post of Shame

This is the hardest post I think I’ve written in my short tenure as a blogger.

Since returning from England, I have been eating like a maniac. All sorts of things I would never have eaten earlier in my WW journey, and often, stuff I don’t even want. I just want to eat terrible food.

I don’t know what the difference is. Maybe it’s stress – I am currently in the process of applying for a student visa for my upcoming move to England. It’s majorly stressful as there are about a billion different forms, each with different information, and no one will answer your questions (Unless you pay 3.00/minute, that is). I’m trying to sell all of my worldly possessions, figure what to pack…Obviously, it would be stressful for anyone, and I tend to go way insane when I’m stressed.

Maybe, leading up to my trip, I was all gung-ho because I wanted to look and feel good during my time with DBF. Perhaps now that the trip is over and I had an amazing time with DBF,  I’m feeling less pressure to lose weight. We had a long conversation about my issues with food. He knew before – I’d mentioned it briefly – but I wanted him to know everything. All the dirty details. So, I laid it all out for him, explained my tendency to stress- and binge- eat, my yo-yoing weight, my fear that if I have children, I may never lose it for good. He was wonderful and understanding. He doesn’t want me to look like I’ve just fallen off of some magazine cover  – he told me he wanted me to be happy and healthy, which is great as that’s what I want for myself as well. I want to lead a long, happy, and active life with him. So I don’t know why I’m off track now.

I got on the scale Sunday and it showed that I was up 7 pounds. In a week. I honestly don’t think that’s accurate – I ran a lot and while I ate junk, I didn’t eat THAT much junk. I think a lot f it was water weight. However, seeing that number should have shocked me into being good. And it did, for a day.

Now, I’m back to old habits. I’m snacking all the time, and not on good foods. I’m not tracking. I’m still running, but with the humidity, it might be a mile a day instead of my normal 2 or 3.

For the first time since starting this WLJ, I feel completely out of control. It’s a very scary feeling. I’ve lost 60+ pounds and the scariest thing in the world is thinking that I may gain it all back. And then some. Because, let’s be honest, with me, I never just gain back what I lost.

I need a plan. Who knows if it will work, but at least I will have one laid out.

So, ladies and gentlemen…here is my plan and my little list of short-term goals.

Plan for this week:

Throw out all crappy food I bought (I’m looking at you, Salt and Vinegar potato chips).

Go to store. Buy fruits and veggies, other healthy, ww-friendly foods I enjoy but don’t have in the house.

Run 3x/week; 1 day, 1 mile, 1 day, 2 miles, 1 day, 3 miles.

Start sit-up/crunch challenge.

Track everything, even if it’s not healthy food, I need to have it all written down. Actually, I’m going to track my food for a week on my blog, so I know other people will see what I’m eating.

BLOG MORE. Blogging helps me.

Get back on the WW message boards. They are also helpful for me.

Short-term goals:

Get down to 199.9 (or less) before moving to England on Sept 10th. This is do-able, I think.

Run next 5K (in Dewey Beach, DE, Aug 21) in less time than my first 5K (47:42).

Track every day.

5 servings of fruits and veggies everyday. I’ll work on the rest of the GHGs later.

OK. So there is my plan for the week and my list of short-term goals.

If anyone has any words of wisdom, I could definitely use them. Have you stalled or lost motivation in your WLJ? How did you get back on track?

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I’m here! I’m alive! I’m off the wagon!

So I fell off the WW wagon, hard. And then it ran me over a few times.

I don’t know what is going on in my head. I was doing really, really well, then I wasn’t, then I got back on track, then last week…boom. Off.

So, again. Starting today. Tracking. Running. Taking better care of myself in general.

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Eating Habits

I can not manage to stay OP (on plan) on the weekends. In my head, weekends are a “free time” when, magically, calories don’t exist and I can eat a bag of Oreos and those good n’ terrible fried baked potato bites from Arbys with no repercussions.

I think there are a few reasons for this behaviour:

1. I weigh in on Fridays, so I figure if I’m going to eat all the junk I want, the weekend is the time to do it. I have the rest of the week to double my efforts and show a loss by Friday.

2. Part of me resents that I even have to watch what I eat, and my weekends are my times for rebellion. It’s a terrible thing to say, but it’s true. I see some people who seem to keep weight off and stay healthy effortlessly. The key word there, however, is “seem.”

I know that I have a very unhealthy relationship with food and I’m pretty sure that even someone with lightning-quick metabolism couldn’t have maintained a healthy weight with my previous eating habits and lack of exercise. Granted, I’m not a nutritionist or doctor and so I’m not going to say anything for sure, but…if there’s anyone out there who could have the habits I USED to have and maintain a healthy weight, well…they’re pretty lucky.

I now realize that unless you spend 24/7 with someone, you don’t typically know what they do (or don’t do) as far as eating and exercise. I mean, being on WW, I eat pretty healthy food (weekends aside) with healthy servings. I run 3x a week. If someone were to observe me on a Friday night, they’d probably think I’m a lazy cow, when in reality, that’s not the case anymore. So when I look at people who “seem” to stay slender without watching calories or exercise, I have to remind myself that I don’t know what they do in order to maintain their weight when I’m not around.

I really have to work hard to reframe my negative thoughts and remind myself that if I want to be healthy and happy, counting points and exercise is something I’m going to have to do for the rest of my life, and I can’t look at what other people do and wish I could do that. Some people can eat healthy portions of food without counting them up, WW-style. I am not one of those people.

I know this time that WW is not some quick fix. Once I hit my goal weight, whatever that may be, I will never be able to stop following the program. I made that mistake last time, and I gained over 100 pounds in 2 years.

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Confession of the Week

I ate A BAG of chewy chips ahoy cookies. A bag = 48 points.

oops.

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Thin Mints – 1, Kristen – 0

The thin mints wore me down. I ❤ these stupid cookies, and ate almost a whole box this weekend. Blech.

Overall the weekend wasn’t a total shambles, really. I ate light Friday knowing I’d go out for Mexican that night. I probably ate more chips and dip than necessary but they were good and I totally don’t regret it.  I definitely used my 22 saved points and probably most of my weeklies.

Saturday I was helping my dad to clean my childhood home, which is going on the market soon. We ate McD’s for lunch, BUT I got a hamburger and small fry (10 ww points) so lunch was not blown.

For dinner, Subway. I was within points here as well though I did eat some potato dipper things from Arby’s. Then the thin mints.

So overall, I didn’t follow the GHGs at all BUT I’d estimate I was only over points by maybe 10-15 for the week? Which, given what it could have been, isn’t too bad.

I have to remember that before WW, I ate like that EVERY SINGLE DAY. Actually, I ate much worse than that on a daily basis. Now, days or weekends like that are definitely the exception rather than the norm, so when it happens I’ll just pick myself up, dust myself off, and hop back on the wagon, (and not take the thin mints with me).

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It’s Just Not In The Cards

I constantly have to remind myself that my issues with food are lifelong ones. Once I hit goal weight, no weight fairy will fly over my head and sprinkle magic “stay skinny” dust on me and I’ll magically be “cured.” Sadly, that’s not how it works. Though of course, I wish it were.

When I watch other people, people who have normal relationships with food, I wonder why I can’t be one of them. What karmic nonsense is this that I feel the need to stuff myself with food until I feel ready to burst? Why am I compelled to eat when I feel sad, happy, hurt, angry, sleepy….

It’s not a matter of knowing WHAT to eat. I’ve been going to WW on and off for years. I’ve studied nutrition, both on my own and in college courses. I know what healthy foods to eat and how to lose weight and what terribly calorie-sucking foods to avoid. None of this is new information. I can look at a cookie and say “Now, Kristen, there’s no nutritional value in that. Why don’t you have a pear instead?” And I LIKE pears better! They’re so yummy and delicious. But there’s something inside me, some compulsion, that has me eat that stupid cookie. And 15 of his neighbors. And I get sad and depressed, figure I’ve ruined the day, and continue to binge.

I wonder at what point does it get easier? Does it ever? Even at my lowest weight ever, at about 153, I still wanted to eat the cookie. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to relax about food. Not if I want to keep the weight off and be happy and healthy. Weight Watchers and their principles are things I will have to do every day for the rest of my life if I want to have any kind of handle on food. And really, that kind of pisses me off. I know it’s what I have to do, and I’ll DO it, but I really, really hate it. It makes me feel very abnormal. And, in a way, weak.

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